Iron Gump

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Thu May 11, 2006 10:07 pm

Oh the hijinks that would take place at lights out. We had to screw the windows shut during one week...we had a tornado outbreak one week...all kinds of things that would happen. That just means more Iron Gump stories right here next week!

Spanky · Post by **Spanky** » Fri May 12, 2006 8:18 am

You know we might want to lay out the Fist Full of Nomex concept??

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Fri May 12, 2006 8:41 am

Yes...I think that will be a new thread next week. Give me a call this weekend and we'll plot it out....

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Mon May 15, 2006 3:53 pm

The following is a vague recollection of an actual phone message left on the Aviation Challenge answering machine during the summer of 1996. This phone call happened early one afternoon, and I think it's safe to say we are all glad we were not in the office.

During 1996, Aviation Challenge had a really cool commercial that was nearly 100% footage of combat aircraft dogfighting with a little bit of text and graphics about the AC program. This commercial aired a lot on the West Coast.

"Yes, my name is Jane Smith, and I'm just wondering what kind of camp this is? I saw this commercial on television and I really want to know who in their right mind would be brainwashing our nine and ten year olds into some neo-fascist skills camp for future war criminals? You're program is simply outrageous and embarassing to all people who view peace as an imperative. Instructing our nine and ten year olds in sick and cheap entertainment brainwashing them into violently tempered individuals is wrong. I'm calling from Berkeley, California, and I can assure you that I will do everything in my power to make sure no more innocent children are corrupted by your filthy excuse for a camp."

I can only remember the looks of shock on everyone's face while the message played. When the part about Berkeley came, we all started laughing. This message stayed on our answering machine as comic relief for a good six months. We even played it for the SR VP - who needless to say got quite a laugh out of it.

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Wed May 17, 2006 3:41 pm

It's time campers for another Iron Gump classic....

"Where's My Cheeseburger...."

Again, the names have been changed to protect the guilty. I swear on an A-4 Skyhawk's hump that this really happened, and I was really present.

It's a rainy Monday afternoon in early February immediately following a round of counselor training. There are a grand total of three teams on the entire Aviation Challenge Compound, and the support staff is completely, and rightfully so, bored out of our minds.

So, like any good counselor, we're sitting in the B-52 Lounge (the Beef to many of you), and debating what we are having for lunch. One of the group suggests an off-site run to McDonalds. After much deliberation, a group of three or four agree to make the run for all six of us.

After about twenty minutes, lunch is served.

One of the counselors - we'll call him Winky, previously featured in an Iron Gump story after counting himself as a trainee, digs into his bag and does the following - pay attention.

He places one cheeseburger (wrapped in bright yellow paper) on his Gore-Tex camouflage jacket flaps (across his waist) and picks up the other one. He eats the first cheeseburger. And delves into the bag for his second....

Winky: What the #$(*)(*#%)(*)%(@#*%#!!!! Those *#@(*$@#)(*$# didn't give me my second cheeseburger. (He continues to rifle through the bag, finding only extra napkins).

Winky looks up at the collected group: Can you guys freakin' believe this! They shorted me a cheeseburger!

Deadeye: You mean you ordered three?

Winky: No! I ordered two. I just ate one and there's not another one in the bag.

Deadeye: Are you counting the one on your lap, dumbass?

Classic and immediate callsign change......

SpaceCanada · Post by **SpaceCanada** » Wed May 17, 2006 4:32 pm

A parellel to the classic 'Where's my glasses?' 'They are on your face.' story. Good one!

MAYTAG · Post by **MAYTAG** » Wed May 17, 2006 5:23 pm

tht was a good one definately worthy of a new callsign

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Thu May 18, 2006 2:34 pm

IRON GUMP: The Top 10 Theater Ops Briefings Ever Done - #10

As part of the growing mythos of the Theater Operations briefings done throughout the years, I have narrowed down ten of the best moments from those incredibly stressful and memorable briefings that set the stage for the entire week with the Mach III program.

I hope you enjoy these - some are longer than others:

#10 - English bitte, Hauptmann....

Aviation Challenge was fortunate to have counselors on occasion who spoke fluently in a second language. This moment, and another one in the near future, revolves around a mouth-dropping surge of adrenaline felt by all trainees giving the briefing.

Theater Ops employed many briefers to go through the data and completely overload the trainees. Grunt was the main man for bringing the trainees in and motivating them from the moment they walked into the bubble. He dominated the classroom.

During one briefing, we had Grunt actually return to the floor and conduct a briefing, and then introduce a German intelligence officer by the name of Hauptmann (Captain) Johann Sturm. Sturm (counselor callsign Link) then began to speak in fluent, and very quick German. He completed about two minutes of the briefly before Grunt loudly cleared his throat and asked that Sturm speak in English.

The sigh of relief from the trainees nearly caused Link to break character and the rest of us to start laughing. I always wonder what would have happened had we let Link continue in German and then referred back to his briefing throughout the week...."What? That German officer covered that in your briefing!"

#9 Tomorrow....eh....

Repeat · Post by **Repeat** » Thu May 18, 2006 3:48 pm

I remember that! Or at the very least, I remember Link and Grunt doing my T-Ops briefings during 2001 (sometime around then).

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Thu May 18, 2006 5:54 pm

Ah to heck with it, I'm bored...

Top Ten Theater-Ops Moments, #9

....eh....

For some reason, and I swear innocence to this one, we had the bright idea to have our "allied force" representative be Canadian. Not the competent military professionals I've since worked with, but the stereotypical representation of a Canadian by an American who watched too much Saturday Night Live during the times of Rick Moranis and the "McKenzie Brothers." See "Strange Brew" for more on the lives of Bob abd Doug McKenzie and "The Great White North." If you aren;t familiar with these cultural icons, this great moment may be lost on you...

So, Link (again) says he's up for the challenge, and begins his briefing by complaining to the CAG...

Link: Hey, Cag, man! Somebody horked my keg, eh?

CAG: What?

Link: Some hoser horked my keg.

CAG (now visibly trying not to laugh): Get on with your briefing, Lieutenant...

Link: Don't be a knob, you hoser....

I honestly cannot remember the rest of that briefing. My stomach hurt from laughing too much.

ACluvR · Post by **ACluvR** » Thu May 18, 2006 6:55 pm

I had a T-Ops with Link and Grunt too... and he did the German inteligence thing... I think we started laughing... or were trying darn hard not to laugh... Oh well. Wow... he was there a LONG time ago... I was thinking 2001 also... Hm??? Or was it the summer before... I dunno. lol.

MAYTAG · Post by **MAYTAG** » Fri May 19, 2006 7:21 am

omg that candian one sounds hilarious!

SpaceCanada · Post by **SpaceCanada** » Fri May 19, 2006 10:22 am

I'm Canadian and I even find it funny...

We always made fun of the SNL Canadian comedies too.

Then again, we also make fun of Americans. If you have seen Rick Mercer's 'Talking to Americans' show, you'd know why.

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Fri May 19, 2006 11:50 am

Top Ten Theater Ops Moments, #8

The Soggy Pilot

For one of the early, early Kosan themed missions, we knew we wanted to have the realism factor go way up. One of the briefed information points was that an F-18 had been shot down over Kosan, had limped to the Kosan Sea and was "feet wet" when its pilot had to eject.

The pilot was enroute to the John C. Stennis (aircraft carrier) with critical mission intelligence.

So, we take Gordo and put him in full flight gear. Flightsuit, G-suit, harness, helmet, survival vest, and almost everything else we could throw on him. He went and jumped in the lake and made sure he was completely soaked.

He tromps into the Bubble, runs up the stairs and proceeds to huff and puff and wheeze through his briefing, playing the role of an incredibly frightened and exhilarated pilot whose ride had been shot from underneath him. Gordo should have been nominated for an Oscar.

While he puddled the carpet in the Mach III briefing room, the trainees were shocked beyond belief, especially when the General Quarters alarm sounded and they had to man their planes.

SpaceCanada · Post by **SpaceCanada** » Fri May 19, 2006 1:03 pm

Awesome! I wish I was there to see that!

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Fri May 19, 2006 1:12 pm

To Ten Theater Operations Moments #7

The Night The Lights Were Out

Imagine being a trainee coming into the bubble and it's very dark - only the light from the old AWACS station is visible. All the cockpit canopies are down. There is a lone light by the Men's bathroom door, but the rest of the room is dark and strange shadows fill the corners.

You've been screamed at, made to produce identification, paper and pencil, and you are finally told to climb the stairs. You run up the stairs hoping to find the light of the briefing room.

Ominous music fills your ears. Suddenly, Russian voices punctuate the dark music and darkened room. You explode through the hatch into the briefing room and it's dark. Really dark.

Standing in the darkness, the adrenaline is spooling through your veins, and the waiting is the toughest part. One by one, you hear the screaming as the other teams enter the bubble, and each inflected voice causes trainees to jump as if Grunt himself were staring them in the face. The silence becomes oppressive.

At this point, at least one trainee began to hyper-ventilate. We calmed him down, had him sit down with his head near his knees and breathe calmly.

We never turned the lights off again - not because of the hyper-ventilating trainee...you could smell the fear in the room. Literally.

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Tue May 23, 2006 9:27 am

Top Ten Theater Ops Moments, #6

"WHERE IS YOUR WRITING UTENSIL?!?!?!"

As part of the original T-ops concept, trainees would enter the bubble area and be inspected prior to be allowed to enter the briefing room. Trainees had to present their identification (Trainee Badge), their handy-dandy Mach III Checklist book, and a pen or pencil.

And then, this happened....

GRUNT: What's your name trainee?

Trainee: Sir, John Doe, Sir!!

GRUNT: Where is your identification?

Trainee: Here, sir! (Flashes badge)

GRUNT: Outstanding. Where is your checklist?

Trainee: Here, sir (Removes checklist from flightsuit pants

GRUNT: You are a highly motivated killing machine! Where is you writing utensil?

Trainee: Sir, my what, sir??

GRUNT: I'm asking the questions, maggot! Where is your writing utensil?

Trainee: Ummm.....ummmm......ummm...

GRUNT: You mean to tell me that you don't have a writing utensil?

Trainee: (now visibly shaking).....ummmmm.....ummmmm.....ummmm

GRUNT: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! TAKE YOUR WHOLE TEAM WITH YOU! GET OUT OF MY SIM ROOM AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU HAVE A WRITING UTENSIL!

Trainees exit...they're back five minutes later, and the hi-jinks continue.

GRUNT: Let me see all of your writing utensils!

Trainees produce a menagerie of pens and pencils.

GRUNT: WHAT! HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU EXPECT TO FLY TOGETHER IF YOU DON'T CARRY THE SAME EQUIPMENT! ALL OF YOU, OUT OF MY BUBBLE AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU ARE ALL USING THE SAME EQUIPMENT!

Trainees return about ten minutes later....to a group of laughing counselors.

GRUNT: Let's see 'em!

Trainees all produce the same pens, received from the B-52 office trailer. They are red in color and all say "SPACE CAMP"

GRUNT: WHAT? WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?? I TELL YOU TO GO GET THE SAME EQUIPMENT AND YOU BRING ME THIS?!?! THIS ISN'T SPACE CAMP. (Gets in trainees face) IS THIS SPACE CAMP?

Trainee:......ummm......Sir, No Sir!

GRUNT: Then why did you bring me these writing utensils!?

Trainee: Sir, it was the best we could do, sir!

GRUNT: (chuckles) The best you can do?

Trainee: Sir, we improvised, adapted, and overcame, sir!

GRUNT: You think so?

Trainee: Sir, yes sir!

GRUNT turns away in disgust.... Doolittle approaches....

DOOLITTLE: I have an new idea. DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU FIND AVIATION CHALLENGE PENS!

.....

Theater Operations started about a half hour late. And what happened when it finally started is another Iron Gump story....

MAYTAG · Post by **MAYTAG** » Wed May 24, 2006 6:58 am

wow that actually sounds a lot like something that happened to me and my team lol

Sandrat · Post by **Sandrat** » Wed May 24, 2006 9:35 am

Top Ten Theater Operations Moments, #5

Umm...we have a problem.

{This takes place immediately following the T-Ops briefing detailed in moment #6}

The T-Ops briefing is interrupted by a Flash message, delivered on-screen via teletype to the Briefing Room. Five crews of trainees, pilots and WSOs, have been previously identified by their counselors for the all-important first mission against the Black Knights.

Ten trainees tear down the stairway to the cockpits and immediately clamor to get in them and get ready. They are all positioned on the deck of the USS Stennis and ready for launch.

They receive permission to launch.....

201 was first...the catapult fires and the aircraft races down the deck...and noses over and hits the water.

202 fires second....and follows 201 into the water.

The other remaining three aircraft follow their fearless leader directly into the water off the end of the carrier. The shortest ever T-Ops mission is overwith approximately 32 seconds after it began.

Each of the trainees were asked what happened in the de-brief...amazing all five pilots seemed to have forgotten to pull up when the aircraft left the end of the deck.....

But that's what they said. Watching the displays at the AWACS stations and seeing the positions of the throttle quadrants when the trainees exited the cockpits, at least three of them "forgot" the throttle.....

The rest of the week - every single team went through a "power-up" checklist before they performed any catapult launches.

MAYTAG · Post by **MAYTAG** » Thu May 25, 2006 6:58 am

ok that is just rediculous